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Showing posts with label amuricah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amuricah. Show all posts

Friday, May 24, 2013

MEMO: GO THE $&#% HOME (NSFW, LANG)

Go The Fuck Home. Exit. Sortie. Go.

Even after all this time the New Normal is a relentless mistress.


Despite signs that the economy is finally taking a minor, tiny, itty bitty, ever-so-slight turn for the better, your work life is / has been / will always be a lagging indicator. As a generation, we the American people, are still pulling longer and harder hours for stagnant pay just to eke out whatever statistically higher productivity gains our enlightened MBA's manage to falsify into questionable Excel documents. (Overruled! Hearsay! -ed.)

So how do we take control? How do we normalize hours? Reset the work/life balance? see the sunlight? Meet our first born child?

Well, here's the first rational advice I've ever heard:

Go. The Fuck. Home.


Go tell it on the mountain, Pam Selle.


So let's do it.

Turn it off.

Shut it down.

Let's go The Fuck home.



Image: C.P.Storm via flickr, Used Under Creative Commons, Attribution.



Saturday, April 6, 2013

#XG2D: 10 REASONS DETROIT IS THE PERFECT X GAMES HOST FOR REALS

#XG2D: 10 Reasons Detroit is the perfect X Games Host
The X Games is all about EXXTREEEME sports. Detroit is a city of extremes. So what better place to hold the extreme X Games than the extreme post-apocalyptic wasteland that is the City of Detroit?


Announced days ago, The D's bid to land the games is backed by gorgeous videos created by Detroit craft film producers, The Work. Needless to say, I am PSYCHED. And here are ten reasons that you should be, too:


10) Detroit's set design is already done.

Look at these vistas. Both eXtreme to the max and hauntingly beautiful.


9) Detroit has emptiness.

You want to shut down the streets? You want to claim city blocks? You want to jump cars through buildings like high octane wrecking balls? Be our guest. No one will complain. Detroit has already survived a giant robot onslaught and a joint Chinese/North Korean invasion. Gymkhana won't be a problem.

Michigan Central Station, Home of Transformers. And other movies like Transformers.
Michigan Central Station Studios.

8) Detroit has density.

Sure. Nobody actually lives in Detroit. (Well, technically 706,000 people - spread across an apocalyptic wasteland larger than Boston, San Francisco and Manhattan combined - still do.) But the Metro region is population packed and well-paid. Enough heads and disposable income to support the second largest theater venue circuit in the nation - just behind Manhattan's Broadway - and three professional sports teams.


7) Detroit has Location, Location, Location.

Easy Driving distance to Chicago, Toronto and 63.7% of the Canadian population. (He totally made that number up. -ed.) Road and rail links to the eastern seaboard. Not to mention, a Delta hub at one of the bitchin'-est airports in the world. Boom.

Gorgeous Detroit at sunset. #XG2D
To your left, Canada.

6) Detroit has awesome Hotels.

The Book Cadillac. MGM Grand. MotorCity. And more sweet-urban-boutique-lofty-hipster-things are on the way.


5) Detroit is fostering a vibrant & growing youth creative culture

Detroit hit rock bottom. And the city has realized that to come back, it needs to change. Anything must go. And it does. Young change agents are flooding the city. Overflowing available housing. And taking control of a place where you can be a big fish in small, rapidly evolving pond. And it's awesome.

Detroit Rooftop Parties do exist.
Yes, that is a trendy rooftop hipster party, thank you.

4) Detroit has Belle Isle

A beautiful island park designed by the same guy who designed New York City's Central Park, nestled between two peaceful nations and ringed by a recently refurbed, naturally access controlled racetrack.





3) Detroit can do big events.

Detroit is no stranger to epic event pageantry. Take the annual Detroit Marathon, The Woodward Dream Cruise, the Vans Warped Tour, the Detroit Grand Prix, any Tigers evening game or the freaking Super Bowl, for instance.

Detroit Tigers capacity crowd, Comerica Park.
Full house, all day long.

2) Detroit loves cars. And motorcycles. And anything with wheels.

The city put the world on wheels, and it's never forgotten those roots. They still build cars. They even build bikes. Because the good people of Metro Detroit build a passion for locomotion that you won't find anywhere else. Which means mega crowds for rally cars, trick motorcycles and skateboards aren't a stretch.


1) Detroit is making headlines.

Detroit is an integral part of the national zeitgeist right now. It's in the media. It's in advertising. Put them together, and it spells buzz, coverage and eyeballs.

Detroit Tigers Rally Cap, Comerica Park.
Rally Caps activated.


Detroit is a city of extremes. A city that's down and out. And a city that's on the rise. A city where old is new. And new is old. Where poverty and wealth and desolation and promise collide, creating the crossroads of a generation. Our generation.

And that's why Detroit is the perfect place to host the X Games.


Join the movement at the X Games Detroit Bid on Facebook.

Did we nail it, or did we fail it?
Sound off in the comments below, or hit us on Twitter @PstApclyptcLwyr.







Wednesday, April 3, 2013

BREAKING: DETROIT ANNOUNCES TOTALLY EXTREME X GAMES HOSTING BID

The post-apocalyptic wasteland that is Detroit just announced that it's throwing its tattered hardhat into X Games hosting ring.


And they're backing their long-shot bid with kick ass videos - like the ones below - featuring rally cars, helicopters and acres of RoboCop-esque dystopias created by Detroit craft film producers, The Work.

Despite my sarcastic tone, I, for one, am totally amped about this development. To the eXtreme. Seriously. (He's not kidding this time. -ed.)

Thanks to bargain basement real estate prices, myriad underground music scenes, creative influencers, experimental kick starters, craft brewerscorporate supporters and big-time boosters like Dan Gilbert, downtown Detroit is getting stronger, hipper and less murderier everyday. And I truly believe that the X Games couldn't find a more photogenic, youth-centric and EEEXXXTREEEME city in this great nation of ours today.

So go pound a vodka Red Bull and join the movement at their Facebook page.
(Or tell him he's crazy in the comments below. -ed.)















Tuesday, April 2, 2013

MONSANTO THREATENS FACEBOOK POSTER WITH CHEMICAL DOOM

Quick! Spray him! - Things you don't want to hear from Monsanto. March 29th, 2013 started like any other day. But for one Facebook concerned citizen it quickly took a turn for the eye-irritating and skin burning. Because March 29th was the day that Monsanto Company threatened to spray him with pesticide.


Did a civilized discussion of the benefits and dangers of Monsanto's GMO products and practices warrant such a snide and threatening response?

GMO threats go viral?
Survey says, no.


Sure. Monsanto played what is surely no joking manner for a joke with two frantic covering messages posted moments later, but the damage was done the instant some intern at their social media agency hit "post." If corporations are people, as our government  and the Wall Street Journal want us to believe, Monsanto should probably not consider a lasting career in standup comedy. (Or, more likely, brace for a solid face thrashing. -ed.)

What do you think? Funny corporate social media hijinks, or a revealing look at the sordid underbelly of big Farma? Goggle up, and drop your thoughts in the comments below.




Wednesday, January 30, 2013

REVIEW: THE CW'S "THE CARRIE DIARIES" IS WEIRDLY META

Young Carrie Bradshaw - The Carrie Diaries on the CW

The Carrie Diaries, a new show on The CW, is apparently a period piece about several modern tween girls who travel back in time to the 1980s, where they wear distinctly non-80s clothes and complain about their parents in very non-80s speech patterns while everybody around them acts extremely 80s. Confusing? To this commentator, yes. Extremely.


I'm told that the program is a prequel to HBO's wildly popular Sex in The City, itself a product of the go-go 2000s, aimed at the younger end of the teenage audience. I'm told it's a sweet, slightly saucy, coming of age story starring the now iconic Carrie Bradshaw - minus the iconic couture dresses and signature ripped arms. In reality, it's a confusing mishmash of emotional schlock aimed at angst-ridden girls starring their 1980s-bred parents, circa age 12.

Verdict: If you're a modern tween girl who totally hates your parents because they're the worst, you'll like The Carrie Diaries. If you're a grown ass man who has foolishly relinquished Monday night remote control privileges to his significant other, you're screwed. (Please. Somebody help him... -ed.)



As of this writing, The Carrie Diaries airs Mondays at 8/7 Central on The CW.

Monday, December 24, 2012

HAPPY HOLIDAYS & MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE POST-APOCALYPTIC LAWYER

A Christmas (Horror) Story: You'll shoot your eye out kid.

And all I wanted for Christmas was an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-hundred-shot Range Model Air Rifle...


(With a compass in the stock. -ed)



Thursday, December 20, 2012

2012: AUTO-RESPONSE MESSAGE

404 WORLD NOT FOUND // THE EXISTENCE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR DOES NOT EXIST // END TRANSMISSION


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

FIVE RON SWANSON-THEMED GIFT IDEAS RON SWANSON WOULD PROBABLY APPROVE OF

FIVE RON SWANSON-THEMED GIFT IDEAS RON SWANSON WOULD PROBABLY APPROVE OF

Christmas and the assorted associated gift-giving holidays are fast approaching. So what do you get that red-blooded, meat-noming, government-mistrusting relative or coworker (probably with a heart of gold) who just so happens to want for nothing he/she can't craft with their own two hands?


Most likely you won't find it a Walmart Black Friday Sale stampede. No, you have to dig deeper than the shallow baubles and flat screen televisions that the commercialized military industrial complex prefers to peddle down your throat. You, sir or madame, need a gift of Ron Swanson magnitude. As such, I present to you the top Ron Swanson gifts worth giving this holiday season. Now, go forth and consume, Patriot!


Gift #5 - Ron Swanson Inspired Flattened Bottle Cap Magnets

AS SEEN ON: Snug-A-Bug Blankets via Etsy.com
KEY ATTRIBUTES: Bacon, Eggs and Beer
PRICE: $4.00 USD
MADE IN: Canada, America's 51st State.
SUITABLE FOR: Overpowering less enlightened refrigerator art

Gift #5 - Ron Swanson Inspired Flattened Bottle Cap Magnets



















Gift #4 - Turf & Turf Ron Swanson Print 8x10

AS SEEN ON: Bill Main via Etsy.com
KEY ATTRIBUTES: Who doesn't love meat with a side of meat?
PRICE: $18.00 USD
MADE IN: California, USA.
MEAT LEVEL: Set to eleven.

Gift #4 - Turf & Turf Ron Swanson Print 8x10




































Gift #3 - DIY Ron Swanson Cross Stitch Kit

AS SEEN ON: Bombastitch via Etsy.com
KEY ATTRIBUTES: The best gifts are the ones you can do yourself
PRICE: $13.00 USD
MADE IN: Texas. Just Texas.
SUITABLE FOR: The wife (Or civilized men who appreciate the beauty of fine needle works. -ed.)

Gift #3 - DIY Ron Swanson Cross Stitch Kit





























Gift # 2 - Parks and Recreation Clear Alcohols Poster, Size A2

AS SEEN ON: CreativeSobriety via Etsy.com
KEY ATTRIBUTES: Words of wisdom
PRICE: $40.00 USD
MADE IN: Bloody England (I'll let this one slip. -ed.)
IGNORE: The metric measurements. Because they're metric.

Gift # 2 - Parks and Recreation Clear Alcohols Poster, Size A2

































Gift #1 - "Ron Swanson's" Mustache Comb Second Edition, Possibly Carved by the Man Himself

AS SEEN ON: Offerman Woodshop
KEY ATTRIBUTES: Mustache grooming, Ron-ness
PRICE: $75.00 USD
MADE IN: America, baby. Just like G. Washington intended.
ALSO SUITABLE FOR: Father's Day

Gift #1 - "Ron Swanson's" Mustache Comb Second Edition, Possibly Carved by the Man Himself




Did I make the call, or did I drop the ball? Sound off in the comments below or hit me up on Twitter.


Friday, November 9, 2012

BREAKING: 41 MINUTES AND THREE SECONDS OF PAULA BROADWELL LOOKING HOT

General Attraction: 41 minutes and three seconds of Paula Broadwell looking hot.

Multiple news reports are beginning to detail the sudden, unexpected and scandalous resignation of CIA Chief David Petraeus. Washington and the various cable news networks are all atwitter with rapid, vapid indignation. And, personally, I'm left wondering who seduced the (real) most powerful man in the world


Word is, Petraeus - a capable senior officer, co-author of the Army Counterinsurgency Field Manual 3-24 and orchestrator of the much-ballyhooed Iraq and Afghanistan "surge" - has apparently stepped down due to an extra-marital affair with his biographer; a certain Paula Broadwell. And based on pictures I've seen, it's no wonder he went "All In" with the author of All-In: The Education of General David Petraeus. (Read: Because she's a total hottie. -ed.)

As proof of my hotness hypothesis, I present to you: 41 minutes and three seconds of Paula Broadwell looking hot. She's also talking about something. I think. But... mostly just looking hot... for 41 minutes and three seconds.

She works out.

On one hand, I'm saddened by this changing of the guard. David Petraeus is a war hero, one of the finest leaders to serve our military in recent history and a capable master of the CIA dark arts. On the other hand, daayum! She's hot. Babe. Hottie. All of these things, combined.

No matter what buzz is bouncing around the Beltway, one thing's for sure, at least this former four-star has better taste than Bill Clinton.

Snap.


Monday, November 5, 2012

CIVIC DUTY 2012: THE TOUGHEST CHOICE YOU'LL MAKE ALL ELECTION DAY...

2012 Election Day Decisions

Neat or on the rocks?

2012 Election Day Decisions - Left or right or both

The bad news/good news is I now have to drink both.

(No matter who wins, It's a win-win.)



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

THIS IS A THING: THE HUNGER GAMES HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

The Hunger Games Halloween costumes are real

Merchandising is best when milked.

Yes, post-apocalyptic costumes are all the rage this Halloween, thanks in part to big ticket pop-culture properties like the Hunger Games Franchise. After raking in massive book and ticket sales, it was inevitable that the Halloween costumes would follow. And, oh boy, they have. Let's explore, shall we?

First, there's The Hunger Games District 12 Training Shirt. Sure, I'll buy that.




Then there's the Hunger Games Mockingjay Pin. Ok. Makes sense.




And The Hunger Games Jacket costume. I suppose I'm still picking up what you're putting down...




I'll even go so far as to accept The Hunger Games Katniss Dog Tags. (Cute. -ed.)




But official The Hunger Games District 12 socks?!




The actual apocalypse can't come fast enough.



Monday, October 22, 2012

BREAKING: GOVERNMENT KILLS HAUNTED LIGHTHOUSE AUCTION

No Ghost For You - Penfield Reef Light GSA Auction Cancelled

In the waning months of Summer, 2012, the United States General Services Administration placed the Penfield Reef Lighthouse up for auction. Just a few scant months later, mere days before Halloween, they abruptly cancelled it. But why


Probably because it's haunted. Guarding Penfield Reef on the south side of the Black Rock Harbor entrance to Long Island Sound since 1874, rumor and Wikipedia have it that the station is a potent host to a plethora of paranormal abnormalities. (So you'll probably want to ride out the inevitable zombie apocalypse elsewhere. -ed.)

Haunted Penfield Light Exterior
Spoooky.

Reports of strange events began after the death of Lighthouse Keeper Frederick A. Jordan on December 22nd, 1916. Lost in rough seas in a failed attempt to row to shore for Christmas celebrations, his ghostly visage was first reported just two weeks later by Assistant Keeper Rudolph Iten. Later keepers experienced the apparition and its ill-effects on the light, as well, even going so far as to sign affidavits describing the encounters.

Haunted Penfield Light in Profile
Yikes.

The tales came to a head in 1942, when two boys reported that the ghost saved them from drowning. After the Coast Guard automated the  station in 1971, the stories slowed to a trickle. And now, after years attempting to force the sale of the Penfield light, the GSA is pulling the auction prematurely. But why?

Site of the encounter - Haunted Penfield Light Interior Stairs
Site of the encounter.

Now, I'm no ghost hunter, but the station was one of the last masonry lights ever built in the United States. Shortly thereafter, offshore installations transitioned to cast iron towers. Based on the knowledge I've gained via 16 viewings of Ghost Busters 2 and an episode of Food Network's Halloween Wars, I posit that the soft stone construction may be absorbing the ghostly energy, perpetuating the haunting effect. Ergo, good ol' Fred is conspiring to keep the light in its decrepit state, so that he may mourn his ghostly life alone. (Right... that's toootally it. -ed.)

Haunted Penfield Light Interior - Spooky
Extra scary story.

Now, before we get ahead of ourselves with this whole "haunted hypothesis thing," they say the bidding has been cancelled due to governmental "discussions" over the submerged lands lease. Verbatim:
Auction Sale-Lot # BOSTN112005001 has been cancelled due to renewed discussions with the State of Connecticut regarding the required submerged lands lease.  Penfield Reef Lighthouse will be reoffered in the Spring of 2013 with a new Sale-Lot #.  GSA will post a new Invitation for Bids at that time.
But we all know (probably) that it's been cancelled due to haunting (totally). There is definitely (kinda) some serious Scooby Doo level stuff going on here. (Or not...) Long story short, if you want to own this haunted lighthouse you'll have to wait till Spring.

Haunted Penfield Masonry Landing
No one can hear you scream.


Penfield Reef Light Station
Sale-Lot Number: BOSTN112005001
For more images, visit the GSA Shutterfly account for the Auction.

Scary Penfield Lighthouse Exterior
Haunted lighthouse for sale. Not.


Image Reference: GSA


Thursday, October 18, 2012

GRATUITOUS FANDOM: BEST DETROIT TIGERS SONG EVER

Filed under: Stuck in my damn head and I like it.

There are Detroit Tigers ballads, and there Detroit Tigers ballads. This track by former-Detroiter-rocker-and-bon-vivant-playboy Kelley Stoltz, in which he actually name-checks the entire '84 Tigers individually, beats the hell out of anything you'll hear on TBS.

#VerlandersPitching #NotWatchingTheDebate



Thursday, October 11, 2012

THIS IS A THING: FINE PRINT EDITION

No swimming. No diving. No Jumping. No duh.

Filed under: Duh.




Thursday, October 4, 2012

DISCOVERIES: JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE TRAILHAWK SPECIAL EDITION

Take a stroll through the executive parking lot. What do you see? Mercedes? Bavaria's finest? A Lexus or three? With nary an American badge in view, all I see is a travesty.


Fortunately, Jeep® has seen fit to oblige the domestic 1% (especially us down-and-dirty, hoity-toity types) with a true American contender: the Grand Cherokee Trailhawk(TM) special edition.

By their own words, it's "the most awe-inspiring, most extraordinarily capable Grand Cherokee ever conceived." Tall words, yes. Insanely over-promising words, also yes. But judging by the following truncated list of bitchin' features, I'm inclined to agree. Check it:
  • Quadra-Lift® adjustable height suspension
  • Quadra-Trac II® full-time four wheel-drive with low range
  • Selec-Terrain® traction control with five driving modes
  • Off-Road Adventure Group II
  • Skid-plate and rock-rail protection
  • Flame-red front tow hooks
  • Goodyear Silent Armor Kevlar® Tires
  • Slush mats
  • Anodized silver-painted interior trim
  • Leather trim wrapped steering wheel
  • Suede/leather trim seats with red accent stitching
  • Black hood applique (For "glare reduction," no doubt... -ed.)
  • Ginormous badging
  • General badassery
Finally, you can flaunt your American-bred off-road cred about the country club without derision - or the flies in your teeth style - that comes with dropping your janky-arse trail rig at the valet. And, if the prestige of the hefty equipment-induced MSRP doesn't do it for you, the pride points just keep coming...

Actually imported from Detroit.

As a primary benefactor of Uncle Obama's benevolence, each and every one of these bad boys rolls off the Connor Avenue assembly line in Detroit, Michigan. Making this particular Grand Cherokee variant the product of American knowhow, grizzled union craftsmen and jingoistic flag-waving determination. Just the pedigree needed to smash through G-Wagons and LX-whositiswatsits with pride in your chest and a giant Trailhawk badge on your arse. Go us

(Bonus points if you can ID the controversial song in the above ad. -ed.)


The Verdict: The things we make, make us. And the Jeep Grand Cherokee Trailhawk is a pretty awesome thing we make.

MSRP: Starting at $41,995

Get more here: The 2013 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trailhawk



Wednesday, August 29, 2012

THIS IS A THING: 100% VIRGIN BRAZILIAN HAIR

This is a thing: 100% Virgin Brazilian Hair

The first rule of the high-stakes 100% Virgin Brazilian Hair game?


Don't sample the product first.

This is a thing: 100% Virgin Brazilian Hair
Spotted in Detroit


Thursday, August 23, 2012

BREAKING: LUBBOCK COUNTY V. OBAMA'S UN IN EPIC CIVIL WAR CAGE MATCH

Two if by Helicopter - Lubbock v. Obama's UN in all out civil war cage match

According to a CNN report, Lubbock County Judge Tom Head recently proclaimed that if Obama gets elected, Civil War will break out.


Sure, he could be exaggerating to get a reaction from the so called "liberal media", but the batshit crazy doesn't stop there:
Obama, Head said, will "try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public's going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war ... I'm not talking just talking riots here and there. I'm talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever."

Wait, wait, wait... Let me get this straight... If Obama gets re-elected in a free and fair election by, of and for the people, we're going to have to go toe-to-toe with a bunch of new-age redcoats sporting fancy blue helmets? Whatever will we do? Apparently he's got that covered too...
Head vowed to personally stand "in front of their personnel carriers and say, 'You're not coming in here.' And I've asked the sheriff. I said, 'Are you going to back me on this?' And he said, 'Yeah, I'm going to back you.' Well, I don't want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia."

So, he's recruiting an Army of well-trained, patriotic deputies to stem the "white tide," you say? Where do I sign!?

Obviously, this elected judicial official - and the COUNTY'S EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT COORDINATOR - knows what's-what up in this piece. So we're inclined to take his comments about the coming United Nations invasion incredibly seriously. But what if Civil War did break out? What would it look like?

As seen in Detroit. (Just kidding! Mostly.)


One could look to great fiction, like the comic series DMZ, in which a domestic uprising leads to national civil war, leaving Manhattan a devastated no man's land trapped between factions vying to the be the most patriotic. (A seriously good read... -ed.)

This doesn't do it justice.


But I tend to subscribe more to the 300 Spartans school of thought. In which, legend has it, 300 Spartan warriors turned back a much larger invading Persian army at the Battle of Thermopylae. Less because of the dramatic historic parallel of a small force of determined fighters standing up to a far more powerful foreign enemy, and more so because of this:

Your argument is compelling.


But then again... Maybe the Honorable Tom Head is right...

This could TOTALLY happen.


Either way, duck and cover, people. It's about to get interesting.



Image Reference: 1) US Department of Defense 2) hoyasmeg via flickr.com, used under Creative Commons Attribution License.