THIS IS A THING: 100% VIRGIN BRAZILIAN HAIR

The first rule of the high-stakes 100% Virgin Brazilian Hair game?

Don't sample the product first.

Spotted in Detroit

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BUNKER LIKE THE PROS WITH THE ARMY SPECIAL FORCES FIELD MANUAL

Say you're going up against a zombie hoard. Or a ravaging alien army. Or the Canadians. You want to make sure your hidey hole is properly sited, constructed and protected. You want to make sure your walls are thick enough and your mortars are mortary enough.

Fortunately for you, savvy suburban survivalist, Public Intelligence now offers Army Field Manual (FM) 3-05.230 Special Forces Tactical Facilities online. And it's totes free.

With most everything you need to know about modern battlefield fortifications, it sure beats the hell out of The Big Bear Cub Scout Book.


The Verdict: My office has never been more secure. Or dusty.
Stupid sandbags...

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BREAKING: LUBBOCK COUNTY V. OBAMA'S UN IN EPIC CIVIL WAR CAGE MATCH

According to a CNN report, Lubbock County Judge Tom Head recently proclaimed that if Obama gets elected, Civil War will break out.

Sure, he could be exaggerating to get a reaction from the so called "liberal media", but the batshit crazy doesn't stop there:

Obama, Head said, will "try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public's going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war ... I'm not talking just talking riots here and there. I'm talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever."

Wait, wait, wait... Let me get this straight... If Obama gets re-elected in a free and fair election by, of and for the people, we're going to have to go toe-to-toe with a bunch of new-age redcoats sporting fancy blue helmets? Whatever will we do? Apparently he's got that covered too...

Head vowed to personally stand "in front of their personnel carriers and say, 'You're not coming in here.' And I've asked the sheriff. I said, 'Are you going to back me on this?' And he said, 'Yeah, I'm going to back you.' Well, I don't want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia."

So, he's recruiting an Army of well-trained, patriotic deputies to stem the "white tide," you say? Where do I sign!?

Obviously, this elected judicial official - and the COUNTY'S EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT COORDINATOR - knows what's-what up in this piece. So we're inclined to take his comments about the coming United Nations invasion incredibly seriously. But what if Civil War did break out? What would it look like?

As seen in Detroit. (Just kidding! Mostly.)

One could look to great fiction, like the comic series DMZ, in which a domestic uprising leads to national civil war, leaving Manhattan a devastated no man's land trapped between factions vying to the be the most patriotic. (A seriously good read... -ed.)

This doesn't do it justice.

But I tend to subscribe more to the 300 Spartans school of thought. In which, legend has it, 300 Spartan warriors turned back a much larger invading Persian army at the Battle of Thermopylae. Less because of the dramatic historic parallel of a small force of determined fighters standing up to a far more powerful foreign enemy, and more so because of this:

Your argument is compelling.

But then again... Maybe the Honorable Tom Head is right...

This could TOTALLY happen.

Either way, duck and cover, people. It's about to get interesting.



Image Reference: 1) US Department of Defense 2) hoyasmeg via flickr.com, used under Creative Commons Attribution License.

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CAPTION THIS: AWKWARD BABY V. MITT ROMNEY

CAPTION THIS: AWKWARD BABY V. MITT ROMNEY

Politicians on the stump love to kiss babies. It's an American tradition. But sometimes this horrible campaign trail cliche goes horribly, horribly wrong. Kind of like this:

Spotted on the campaign trail, it's  Mitt v. Awkward Baby. In the most awkward encounter possible, who will win? Who will lose? Who will take this friggin' baby away from Governor Romney before it gets any worse?

Leave your (no doubt) hilarious captions in the comments below, or share 'em on Twitter, baby.

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EXPEDITED REVIEW: GERBER CURVE MULTI-TOOL

Need a quick gift / daily carry / backup to your backup?  

The Gerber Curve Multi-Tool fits the tiny, yet sturdy bill.  With three types of screwdrivers (including an actual Phillips head driver), two files, and a quality blade, the Curve compares favorably to the classic keychain Swiss Army knife.

Most awesomely, the devices lock!  That means you’re less likely than normal to get your knuckles shredded.

And although the Curve is too small to be a true survival tool, it does have one life-saving feature:

Check it here: Gerber Curve Grey Multi-Tool

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BREAKING: LAND ROVER RELEASES ALL-NEW FORD EXPLORER

Er... All-New 2013 Range Rover.

Surely, we jest. But look at this thing. Gone are the regal, boxy and comfortably stuffy trappings of Range Roverdom, replaced instead with a profile that screams current-gen Ford Explorer rhinoplastied with the schnoz of the tepid Freelander cum LR2.

Sure, it boasts a lighter, stronger all-aluminum monocoque body. Sure, it delivers improved carbon dioxide emissions. Sure it's still built in Solihull, UK. And it probably drives amazingly. And coddles sumptuously. But how the company that produced the gloriously English Defender XTech, not to mention a long line of uber-capable royalty shleppers, could possibly churn out this design homage to a quasi-crossover Ford, we may never know.

God save the Queen.

Did we nail it, or did we fail it? Drop your harrumphs in the comments below.


Image Reference: Land Rover Media Centre

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BREAKING: FITOCRACY REVAMPS SITE, BRINGS THE HAWTNESS

In a move guaranteed to send a few Paleo's into fits of stone age rage, Fitocracy, the premiere social fitness tracking app for web, Android and iPhone, launched a new site today.

Per their blog post, the new look is designed to help you make your fitness goals a reality. After a cursory surf, it's clear that the cleaner aesthetics and smart new sharing tools should help enhance your social connections with other fit-minded, interest-sharing friends. But the biggest difference you'll notice is the addition of photos and videos - a feature that's been sorely lacking, for better or worse, since launch.

Once you get past the sexy, sexy pictures and tasty, tasty new interface, you'll also notice sundry improvements to the dashboard, profiles and tracking features that should help you hit your goals with gusto.

While some might grumble, as a long-time Fitocracy fan, I welcome the changes. Here's hoping it continues to help me change, too.

10 props for victory!

The verdict: This calculated move by Fitocracy to unseat web fitness king bodyspace.com makes it even easier than ever to blast your bi's with your buddies and share your gun show with the world.


Fit? Lawyer? Ready to rock? Join the Post-Apocalyptic Lawyers on Fitocracy >

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GEAR ON TRIAL: NEW ENGLAND 2012

NEW ENGLAND 2012 // MARMOT PRECIP JACKET // THE NORTH FACE JESTER DAYPACK // MERRELL MOAB WATERPROOF HIKING SHOES

We know we don’t have to tell you this, but you don’t get enough vacation time.

So when you do get a week off, you’ve got to make it count. And that means choosing gear you can count on - no matter what. Keeping that simple truth in mind, we spent some of our rare non-billable hours testing some popular items to see how they rate in the real world. (Read, not the office. -ed.)

The Trip

Scenic Acadia

For our first installment of Gear On Trial, we hit the temperate climes of New England for a week of hiking hills and traversing towns. Our path meandered a scenic route through the original Thirteen, from the busy streets of Boston to the coastal wilds of Maine with enjoyable, rustic stops in Vermont and New Hampshire. Most of trail work centered around Maine's Acadia National Park and New Hampshire's Franconia Notch State Park, particularly the Jordan Pond Trail with mileage from Otter Point-to-Thunder Hole-to-Sand Beach-to-Great Head in Acadia and visits to The Flume Gorge and Mt. Pemigewasset in Franconia.

Marmot PreCip Jacket

What’s the quickest way to ruin a trip? (Other than a cougar attack... -ed.)  Precipitation, of course. Marmot’s solution is its PreCip jacket – a waterproof/breathable shell full of features at a reasonable price. The PreCip has taped seams to prevent seeping stitches and a snug hood that still offers good visibility. Like most jackets in its price point, it offers pit zips for added ventilation. Fairly lightweight, it also packs small enough that you have no excuse for not bringing it. Trimly cut and available in a wide array of colors, you should be able to find one to match your wardrobe.

Breathable is a bit of a relative term when it comes to jackets in this segment, of course. If you’re not wearing a wicking layer, the parts of your skin that touch the inside of the jacket can get a bit clammy. The trim fit can be a mixed blessing, too. Although arm range of motion is good, it can be tight if you have a bulky insulating layer.

Verdict: 8 out of 10 gavels

Check it here: Marmot PreCip Jacket

The North Face Jester Daypack

You need someplace to put your stuff, right? Well, when it comes to packs, there is no shortage of options, and it can be overwhelming trying to make a choice. We managed to snag a closeout Jester daypack at a great deal, but not until agonizing for nearly an hour between it and the Heckler, another TNF offering with larger capacity, daisy chain webbing, and a more robust hip belt. In the end, we decided the Jester offered the best value.

The Jester sported plenty of room for a fleece and rain shell, as well as some trail mix and jerky. The external mesh pockets will easily accommodate 20- and 24-ounce drink bottles and other narrow containers, but have to be stretched a bit for standard 1 liter bottles. The large main compartment is devoid of a laptop sleeve, which tends to clutter some other packs and makes packing awkward if you’re not, you know, carrying a laptop. The smaller front compartment has a bevy of small pockets to fit your various needs.

When compared with 2011 Jester we selected, the newer 2012 model addresses one of our biggest complaints with the older design by adding a sternum strap. Other than that, both the newer Jester and the Heckler appear to have made serious compromises to become more urban/campus oriented. Frankly, the previous versions were already sharp enough to cross over from backcountry to downtown, so we’re not impressed with the updates.

Verdict: 2011 Jester 8.5 out of 10 gavels / 2012 Jester 7 out of 10 gavels

Check it here: The North Face Jester Daypack

Merrell Moab Waterproof

Unless you’ve won the big case, you can afford only one carry-on these days. In order to save some space, you may have to forego the big hiking boots and go with a low cut shoe instead. As with all trail footwear, stability and traction are the main considerations, but it also helps if you aren’t taking on water like a cheap yacht.

We found the Merrell Moab Waterproof to fit the bill. The grippy tread provides sure-footed confidence, and the shoes easily shed inch-deep water without difficulty. Walking for hours in a steady rain caused no problems for these guys.

A few cautionary words: The uppers are sturdy, but some previous versions of Merrell’s shoes have had some sole durability issues. Hopefully the Moab’s Vibram treads will stand up to wear and tear. Personalized fit is another potential issue, and footwear is the one gear choice where you shouldn’t compromise.

Verdict: 9 out of 10 gavels

Check it here: Merrell Moab Waterproof

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THIS IS A THING: ZOMBIE KILLING SERVICE

Sleep easy, Citizen.

The Zombie Killing Service is looking out for you.

Spotted in the D. Thx, cupcake detroit ©!

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GAS MASKS, AXES AND OTHER STUPID AWESOME WORKOUT GEAR

So you think your fitness regime is extreme...
You think your cute, little morning DVD session is hardcore. What's your poison? P90x? Crossfit? Maybe even TapouT XT Extreme?

Bah.

Our friend James (Yes, that James.) has you beat:

What's your craziest training tool? What's your nuttiest routine?
Show us what you got in the comments section below, biznitches.

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EXPOSE: INSIDE KIM JONG UN'S ROYAL WEDDING REGISTRY

CNN recently reported most excellent news!

According to North Korean State Media, the young, fresh-faced Dear Leader of North Korea, the honorable Kim Jong Un, has taken a bride!

Due to high-level bureaucratic obligations, I've just now received eyes-only access to the royal couple's most wonderful wedding registry. So what does one get a budding President for Life and his lovely wife in celebration of their stately nuptials? Let's take a look inside...

Food Aid

If Bethel, Alaska can airdrop a Taco Bell taco truck, why not Pyongyang?

Rocket Parts

Nothing says First World nation worthy of being taken seriously like a stockpile of space-ready astronaut ice cream and rocket fuel.

A Mickey Mao Statuette

Commiserate the happy couple's special day with two of their favorite idols immortalized forever in one single over-priced, plastic trinket.

A Virtual Bodyguard

Dear Leader Kim Jong Un, a fearless cyber warrior and National Asset in his own right, cannot go unprotected - particularly when battling the capitalist swine on their own turf... the most dastardly and dangerous digital world of xBox Live.

A $150 Gravy Boat

Crafted from rich, supple pewter. (The bauble metal of Kings! -ed.) Because when you cravey gravy, there's only one way a traditionalist President for Life rolls.

"Patents, Registered Designs, Trade Marks and Copyright for Dummies by John Grant, et al"

Preferably used, like this tired attempt at humor.

Got a gift to add? Shout out at @PstApclyptcLwyr on Twitter.

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