HOW TO BUILD A TORNADO SHELTER AS EXPLAINED BY OTHER PEOPLE (NOT ME)

I am not an expert at evading tornado dangers, but I do know that, like many of you, I want to be. So I've compiled a list of resources to help us both achieve maximum tornado safety with the minimum amount of work.

You can boil down the Tornado/Storm Shelter into two basic groups: A) Your basic homemade installation and B) professional prefabricated units. The first may be cheaper and more attractive, but the second route is probably easier pending your cash situation.

It should be noted that I am not an expert. I cannot and do not vouch for the accuracy or safety of any of the options presented here. It's merely a list compiled to help you research the right solution for your specific needs.

A) Here are some hints, tips and plans to build your own shelter:

OFFICIAL FEMA safe room construction plans from FEMA P-320, Taking Shelter from the Storm by FEMA.gov

How to build a tornado shelter by DoItYourself.com

How to build your own 10x6 storm shelter/safe room for under $2,000 by the SurvivalistBlog.net

How to build a low cost Earthbag tornado shelter by the NaturalBuildingBlog.com

B) Here are some sources of prefab units, most made in the USA:

FamilySAFE Shelters
Purveyors of steel above and below ground tornado shelters.

SECUREALL Tornado and Hurricane Shelters
Suppliers of steel aboveground safe rooms.

Cozy Caverns Storm Shelters
Manufacturers of custom full steel below ground shelters.

The Refuge by Fiberglass Creations, Inc.
Manufacturers of fiberglass below ground shelters.

Tornado Master Severe Weather Shelters
Producers of above and below steel or concrete shelters.

Survive-a-Storm Storm Shelters and Tornado Shelters
Builders of steel above and below ground residential storm shelters, survival bunkers, community safe rooms and bulletproof panic rooms.

Flat Safe Tornado Shelters
Makers of flat lid, in floor shelters made from hot dip galvanized steel or Fiber Reinforced Plastic/Polymer.


Verdict: Heads down and spirits up. Good luck out there, people.



Image: US Air Guard responds to Moore, Ok Tornado via US Air Force Material Command.

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MEMO: GO THE $&#% HOME (NSFW, LANG)

Even after all this time the New Normal is a relentless mistress.

Despite signs that the economy is finally taking a minor, tiny, itty bitty, ever-so-slight turn for the better, your work life is / has been / will always be a lagging indicator. As a generation, we the American people, are still pulling longer and harder hours for stagnant pay just to eke out whatever statistically higher productivity gains our enlightened MBA's manage to falsify into questionable Excel documents. (Overruled! Hearsay! -ed.)

So how do we take control? How do we normalize hours? Reset the work/life balance? see the sunlight? Meet our first born child?

Well, here's the first rational advice I've ever heard:

Go. The Fuck. Home.

Go tell it on the mountain, Pam Selle.

So let's do it.

Turn it off.

Shut it down.

Let's go The Fuck home.



Image: C.P.Storm via flickr, Used Under Creative Commons, Attribution.

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#XG2D: 10 REASONS DETROIT IS THE PERFECT X GAMES HOST FOR REALS

The X Games is all about EXXTREEEME sports. Detroit is a city of extremes. So what better place to hold the extreme X Games than the extreme post-apocalyptic wasteland that is the City of Detroit?

Announced days ago, The D's bid to land the games is backed by gorgeous videos created by Detroit craft film producers, The Work. Needless to say, I am PSYCHED. And here are ten reasons that you should be, too:

10) Detroit's set design is already done.

Look at these vistas. Both eXtreme to the max and hauntingly beautiful.

9) Detroit has emptiness.

You want to shut down the streets? You want to claim city blocks? You want to jump cars through buildings like high octane wrecking balls? Be our guest. No one will complain. Detroit has already survived a giant robot onslaught and a joint Chinese/North Korean invasion. Gymkhana won't be a problem.

Michigan Central Station Studios.

8) Detroit has density.

Sure. Nobody actually lives in Detroit. (Well, technically 706,000 people - spread across an apocalyptic wasteland larger than Boston, San Francisco and Manhattan combined - still do.) But the Metro region is population packed and well-paid. Enough heads and disposable income to support the second largest theater venue circuit in the nation - just behind Manhattan's Broadway - and three professional sports teams.

7) Detroit has Location, Location, Location.

Easy Driving distance to Chicago, Toronto and 63.7% of the Canadian population. (He totally made that number up. -ed.) Road and rail links to the eastern seaboard. Not to mention, a Delta hub at one of the bitchin'-est airports in the world. Boom.

To your left, Canada.

6) Detroit has awesome Hotels.

The Book Cadillac. MGM Grand. MotorCity. And more sweet-urban-boutique-lofty-hipster-things are on the way.

5) Detroit is fostering a vibrant & growing youth creative culture

Detroit hit rock bottom. And the city has realized that to come back, it needs to change. Anything must go. And it does. Young change agents are flooding the city. Overflowing available housing. And taking control of a place where you can be a big fish in small, rapidly evolving pond. And it's awesome.

Yes, that is a trendy rooftop hipster party, thank you.

4) Detroit has Belle Isle

A beautiful island park designed by the same guy who designed New York City's Central Park, nestled between two peaceful nations and ringed by a recently refurbed, naturally access controlled racetrack.

3) Detroit can do big events.

Detroit is no stranger to epic event pageantry. Take the annual Detroit Marathon, The Woodward Dream Cruise, the Vans Warped Tour, the Detroit Grand Prix, any Tigers evening game or the freaking Super Bowl, for instance.

Full house, all day long.

2) Detroit loves cars. And motorcycles. And anything with wheels.

The city put the world on wheels, and it's never forgotten those roots. They still build cars. They even build bikes. Because the good people of Metro Detroit build a passion for locomotion that you won't find anywhere else. Which means mega crowds for rally cars, trick motorcycles and skateboards aren't a stretch.

1) Detroit is making headlines.

Detroit is an integral part of the national zeitgeist right now. It's in the media. It's in advertising. Put them together, and it spells buzz, coverage and eyeballs.

Rally Caps activated.

Detroit is a city of extremes. A city that's down and out. And a city that's on the rise. A city where old is new. And new is old. Where poverty and wealth and desolation and promise collide, creating the crossroads of a generation. Our generation.

And that's why Detroit is the perfect place to host the X Games.


Join the movement at the X Games Detroit Bid on Facebook.

Did we nail it, or did we fail it?
Sound off in the comments below, or hit us on Twitter @PstApclyptcLwyr.

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BREAKING: DETROIT ANNOUNCES TOTALLY EXTREME X GAMES HOSTING BID

The post-apocalyptic wasteland that is Detroit just announced that it's throwing its tattered hardhat into X Games hosting ring.

And they're backing their long-shot bid with kick ass videos - like the ones below - featuring rally cars, helicopters and acres of RoboCop-esque dystopias created by Detroit craft film producers, The Work.

Despite my sarcastic tone, I, for one, am totally amped about this development. To the eXtreme. Seriously. (He's not kidding this time. -ed.)

Thanks to bargain basement real estate prices, myriad underground music scenes, creative influencers, experimental kick starters, craft brewers, corporate supporters and big-time boosters like Dan Gilbert, downtown Detroit is getting stronger, hipper and less murderier everyday. And I truly believe that the X Games couldn't find a more photogenic, youth-centric and EEEXXXTREEEME city in this great nation of ours today.

So go pound a vodka Red Bull and join the movement at their Facebook page.
(Or tell him he's crazy in the comments below. -ed.)

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MONSANTO THREATENS FACEBOOK POSTER WITH CHEMICAL DOOM

March 29th, 2013 started like any other day. But for one Facebook concerned citizen it quickly took a turn for the eye-irritating and skin burning. Because March 29th was the day that Monsanto Company threatened to spray him with pesticide.

Did a civilized discussion of the benefits and dangers of Monsanto's GMO products and practices warrant such a snide and threatening response?

Survey says, no.

Sure. Monsanto played what is surely no joking manner for a joke with two frantic covering messages posted moments later, but the damage was done the instant some intern at their social media agency hit "post." If corporations are people, as our government  and the Wall Street Journal want us to believe, Monsanto should probably not consider a lasting career in standup comedy. (Or, more likely, brace for a solid face thrashing. -ed.)

What do you think? Funny corporate social media hijinks, or a revealing look at the sordid underbelly of big Farma? Goggle up, and drop your thoughts in the comments below.

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REVIEW: THE CW'S "THE CARRIE DIARIES" IS WEIRDLY META

The Carrie Diaries, a new show on The CW, is apparently a period piece about several modern tween girls who travel back in time to the 1980s, where they wear distinctly non-80s clothes and complain about their parents in very non-80s speech patterns while everybody around them acts extremely 80s. Confusing? To this commentator, yes. Extremely.

I'm told that the program is a prequel to HBO's wildly popular Sex in The City, itself a product of the go-go 2000s, aimed at the younger end of the teenage audience. I'm told it's a sweet, slightly saucy, coming of age story starring the now iconic Carrie Bradshaw - minus the iconic couture dresses and signature ripped arms. In reality, it's a confusing mishmash of emotional schlock aimed at angst-ridden girls starring their 1980s-bred parents, circa age 12.

Verdict: If you're a modern tween girl who totally hates your parents because they're the worst, you'll like The Carrie Diaries. If you're a grown ass man who has foolishly relinquished Monday night remote control privileges to his significant other, you're screwed. (Please. Somebody help him... -ed.)



As of this writing, The Carrie Diaries airs Mondays at 8/7 Central on The CW.

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MEMO: ON INFREQUENT DELINQUENCY

There is but one Truth on this Earth: I don't post to this blog enough.

You see, my Associates and I are fortunate enough to have real jobs. Big, important law jobs (among other things) that don't involve making a zillion awesome blog posts everyday. And everyday we collectively dream of it being the other way around... Someday.

In the meantime, as a result, we don't write enough. We don't test enough gear. We don't take enough photos. And we don't make enough awesome new posts for you to read every millisecond of every day. And we're very, very sorry.

On the plus side, there is a way - make that three ways - to get your daily dose of The Post-Apocalyptic Lawyer every friggin' day:

Follow us Twitter.

Join us on Facebook.

Friend up on Pinterest.

It's how we manage to dispense bite-size chunks of wisdom, baked fresh to fill your otherwise average day with smiles. Or rage. You know, whichever.

As always, thank you for your support. We're mad happy to have you on board.


Most sincerely,

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2012: AUTO-RESPONSE MESSAGE

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MEMO: COINING THE FAUX-POCALYPSE

The Mayan Apocalypse is coming. (Cue super-scary and totally ominous piano chord.)

 Look out!  Here it comes. December 21st, doomsday as prophesied by a civilization that couldn't even last long enough to see it, is mere days away.

Late night comedians are freaking out. Crazy people in tinfoil hats are freaking out. The prepper-verse is freaking out/gleefully crossing their fingers. But pardon me if I don't freak the *#$% out. It's not really my thing. You see, this whole "world is going to end" thing is BS shenaniganry based on a sloppy misreading of some crusty archeological artifacts.

See? Also, NASA is awesome.

Unfortunately, for some reason, when people see the name of my blog - The Post-Apocalyptic Lawyer - they automatically assume that I must be really worried about the Mayans. That the 2012 faux-pocalypse is the end all, be all of my belief system. Not true. My Apocalypse already happened. That whole financial collapse way back in 2008? The New Normal? The Great Recession? Maybe you've heard of it?

So I prefer to look on the lighter side of life. The enjoyment side. The "life" part of the work-life balance equation. That's why I advocate going *gasp* outside. It's why I push fitness. Why I advocate being prepared. Why I promote Made in the USA. Why I care about jobs. And pop culture. And politics. And fun. Basically, anything but the 2012 phenomenon. Because life is more than prepping for the end... It's about living. Pure and simple.

On that note, ladies and gentlemen, I'm out scotch.

Which is definitely something worth freaking out about.

Sincerely,

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10 MANLY, RUGGED & OUTDOORSY HOLIDAY GIFTS UNDER $25 DOLLARS

The Internet tells us that to survive in the wilds your gear must be forged from the finest titanium and carbon fiber composites. That tactical buzzwords are more important than functionality. And that, no matter what, your hardware must be as expensive as f@ck.

Well, screw Gear Patrol, Gear Junkie and their elitist ilk. This is not true. Never has been. Never will be. So stop asking yourself, "where can I buy outdoor gear too fancy to ever actually use?" and check out these manly, rugged and outdoorsy gifts you can stuff under the Christmas tree for well-under $25 bucks:

COGHLAN'S STEEL SHAFT CAMP AXE

At 1 lb. 14 oz. it may weight a bit more than those fancy tactical axes boasting DFARS certified, aerospace grade 6AL4V Titanium, but with its forged steel head and steel shaft, it'll get the job done for years to come at a fraction of the toll.

GERBER GATOR MACHETE

Up against brush, small firewood and a rampaging zombie hoard? Give the gift that keeps on cutting with the Gerber Gator Machete. Packing a high-carbon steel serrated blade and saw rendered in a scary non-reflective black finish, not to mention the prestigious Gerber name, the Gator Machete is guaranteed to cut through the under-tree clutter. (Also helpful for unwrapping stubborn presents. -ed.)

GERBER GORGE FOLDING SHOVEL

Camp shovels are important, if often neglected, pieces of kit. At 28 oz. the carbon-steel-bladed Gerber Gorge folding shovel does the job in style. Plus, whether you're digging a foxhole or digging into a mountain of Christmas dinner mashed potatoes, it does double duty with a hammer surface built into the base.

MAGLITE 4 C-CELL FLASHLIGHT

Manufactured in the USA from super-durable aircraft aluminum it has great hand feel, it offers excellent illumination endurance and it cracks some skulls. The choice of Police officers everywhere, no matter which Maglite you choose it's sure to be a choice gift cherished for decades to come. (U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A! -ed.)

HYDRO FLASK 12 OZ VACUUM INSULATED CANTEEN

Keeps your hot drinks hot, your cold drinks cold and doesn't burn or freeze your hands while doing it. After our recent review, I'm a big fan.

BRUNTON CLASSIC 8040G COMPASS

With an optic green base, USGS map scales, a state-of-the-art cobalt steel needle, clear liquid dampening and ton of other official sounding stuff, the Brunton Classic 8040G Compass is a great deal on the real deal.

YAKTRAX PRO TRACTION DEVICE

Ice is a cold mistress. Cut down on distracting holiday-season slip and fall claims with a pair of Yaktrax. In my personal experience, these things work wonders.

GERBER BEAR GRYLLS BASIC SURVIVAL KIT

Even though Bear Grylls has been pretty much discredited as a lying cheater, this kit is not cheating you. Besides delivering survival essentials, like a Gerber Mini Paraframe Knife, fire tinder, waterproof matches, an emergency whistle and more, it also provides you with peace of mind. And who doesn't want that? (Other than Bear Grylls... snap! -ed.)

TEXSPORT SINGLE BURNER PROPANE STOVE

With 5,000 BTU's, an adjustable heat control and a large paddle foot base for stability, camp stoves don't get much more simple, or well-priced, than this.

SMARTWOOL MOUNTAINEER SOCKS

If you're going to give socks... which I certainly hope you're not... these babies are the only socks worth gifting. Super warm and comfy, with great moisture control, they're a must for padding around the house while summiting K2.

VERDICT: You don't have to spend a fortune to gift like a soldier of fortune.


Did we nail it, or did we fail it? Sound off in the comments below or @PstApclyptcLwyr on Twitter.

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CIVIC DUTY 2012: THE TOUGHEST CHOICE YOU'LL MAKE ALL ELECTION DAY...

Neat or on the rocks?

The bad news/good news is I now have to drink both.

(No matter who wins, It's a win-win.)

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POST-APOCALYPTIC STYLE: LAST-MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS

You only have days to go before the company Halloween party. It's too late to order a costume online. And if you don't pull off a killer look in front of the boss, you're screwed. What. Do. You. Do?

Yes, the countdown to Hallow's Eve zero hour has begun. Fortunately, from The Hunger Games and The Walking Dead to NBC's Revolution, the recent popularity of survivalist situations in pop culture pretty much ensures that post-apocalyptic costumes will be all the rage at the employee Halloween observance this year. Which is good news for you, because it makes costuming super easy. Just follow these simple tips to save your DIY day and score some last-minute, candy-coated props in the process.

STEP 1: Locate your nearest Army-Navy Surplus Store.

(Live in a forsaken wasteland or a liberal-leaning New England enclave? Your local purveyor or discount sporting goods will do, but only in a pinch.)

STEP 2: Buy these things:

Goggles.
Between the sandstorms, the noxious fumes, the blinding sun and all the other nasty wasteland surprises, I want to see goggles, people. Consider this a pre-requisite.

A gas mask.
From simple dust masks to full-face World War I contraptions, nothing scares or intrigues like a gas mask. For the money, you won't find a better price-to-effectiveness costume accessory anywhere.

A helmet.
As a functional design touch, a well-chosen helmet protects your skull, alters your silhouette and looks hella awesome.

A vietnam-era flak jacket, football pads, BMX gear or paintball armor.
Amp up the badassery and toss some protective gear in the mix. Just remember, A little body armor goes a long way. Use it sparingly as an accent, not a focal point. Overdo it and you'll go from badass to 70's glam band in no time flat. (Bonus point for well-placed spikes.)

Worn-out utility stuff. Leather belts, bags, ratty cotton cloth, whatever.
Survivors are always prepared. That means, whether you go with a simple utility belt or a full-on ALICE field pack, you're going to need both accessories and a place to stash 'em. The more distressed, the better. (Quadruple points for bandoleers.)

Weaponry.
Hardware is always a touchy subject. If you must carry, survival in the halloween circuit is earned at the barrel of a Nerf gun. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Keep it from getting you arrested. (I know, I know. Weaponry is fun! It's cool! Just keep in mind, the more props you have to carry, the less hands you have for drinking. 'nuff said.)

Try an eyepatch.

Dashing, sexy and mysterious. Eyepatches are all three.

STEP 3: Don't forget to...

Aim for neutrals and earth tones.
You know why they called the British "Red Coats?" They wore bright red coats. An eye-catching affliction that made them tasty targets for well-camouflaged Colonials. And we all know how that turned out for the Brits. Same goes for the Wasteland. Match your surroundings. If you must toss in a dash of color, keep it muted. Peacocking gets you dead. Or, at the very least, makes you the company Hallow-douche; doomed to an evening of creeping the punch bowl alone.

Customize. Customize. Customize.
Own it by making it your own. Spray-painted stencils, hand-stitched patches and comedic accessories add personality and start conversations. Try it.

And above all, Keep it sexy.
Ladies, you know what we're talking about. No longer the kiddie holiday of old, Halloween is now an adult bacchanalia of debauchery, so dress appropriately. Cutoff shorts. Torn fishnets or tights. Midriff bearing shirts. High-heel boots. Hell, even a well-cut bikini. If you got it, flaunt it conspicuously. (I won't hold it against you.)

STEP 4: Kick it with a tasty groove. Your bosses won't know what - or who - hit on 'em.

How'd we do? We we nail it, or did we fail it? Post your favorite Post-Apocalyptic Costume tips below, biznitches.


Image reference: 1) Warvan on flickr.com. Used under Creative Commons.

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10 REASONS NBC'S REVOLUTION DOESN'T SUCK LIKE YOU THINK IT WILL

 

The video above is the recently released pilot of NBC's Revolution. And the ungrateful trolls orbiting the darker comment sectors of the nerdly interwebs seem to have a quibble with it.

Well, after a delightful 45 minutes, or so, of pleasant viewing during my lunch hour, I'm here to stand up for Revolution with ten incredibly well-reasoned counterpoints - whether JJ Abrams likes it or not. (Caution, possible spoilers ahead. -ed.)

#10) It's post-apocalyptic done positive.

There's light at the end of the tunnel. People aren't dropping dead of plague the whole time. It's not about the beginning of the end, it's the path to a new beginning. Despite the setting, the story is a bard's tale of a quest for rebirth, not the death of civilization. Something we're woefully lacking lately... Not pointing fingers, CNN. (He's totally pointing fingers. -ed.)

#9) Giancarlo Esposito's Capt. Neveille is wicked good fun.

Friendly, yet icy. Handsome, yet frightening. Gentlemanly, yet psychopathic. His character is the prime time television friendly version of Christoph Waltz's Col. Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds. And he's deliciously vile. One of the best characters you'll see this season. No, I don't have a man crush on him. Yet.

#8) It totally rips off the best parts of every other post-apocalyptic tale and doesn't give two shits.

The Hunger Games, The Postman, Road Warrior, I am Legend, et cetera, et cetera and stuff and junk. You name it, it's here. Hell, if you look shallow enough there's even a whole pound o' Tolkien's Lord of the Rings going on in there. And I'm ok with that. Just because it doesn't have an original bone it it's focus group scripted body doesn't mean it's friggin' fun and worth an hour of my time vs. the alternative:

The alternative.

#7) It makes you think.

"Gosh, what would I do?" you'll ponder. "I'd definitely be one of the tough, peace-loving survivors living a simpler life and farming corn in my McMansion's living room." Guess what, you won't be. But it's ok to think about it anyway. Now get off your iPhone and do some pushups, softy.

#6) It's a western with crossbows and totally out of context Desert Eagles.

And who doesn't love that.

#5) Tracy Spiridakos, starring as Charlie, actually looks like she could kick your schlumpy couch potato ass.

Whoever keeps sticking stick-thin, bag o' bones Summer Glau in TV shows where she pretends to be a female action lead needs to be strapped in an uncomfortable chair via duct tape and forced to watch Revolution until their colon bleeds. (No, I have no idea how that's possible.) Charlie is a fun character. Relatable, tough, attractive. And she actually looks like can kick your ass if she wanted to. No, she's not ripped. No, she's not Jessica Biel or Kate Beckinsale - and, believe me, I love a little Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale in skin tight latex - but she's believable and fun to watch. And that's just nice for a change. K?

Gratuitous Biel.

#4) It's not all hyper-realistic, uber-gritty and super-serious-look-at-me-I'm-making-serious-cinema-here-peopley.

You work hard, right? So sometimes you just want to kick back with a High Life, suspend a little disbelief, have a little fun and not want to slit your wrist after an evening of prime time viewing. Am I right? Of course I am.

That's the High Lifes.

#3) There are no zombies.

I love a good zombie flick. But they're played. Done. Finito. Revolution is proof positive you don't have to manufacture danger via some stumbling imbeciles sporting chintzy halloween masks your prop department picked up a Spencer's going out of business sale. Same goes for aliens, Falling Skies. Good riddance.

#2) The story isn't built to create the world, the world is actually a setting for the story.

I can't explain this. But it just feels right for a change. Go ahead and argue, but I won't listen because I don't give a flying fudge. (Keep it clean. -ed.)

#1) I hate JJ Abrams. But I don't hate this.

And that's a good thing.



Did I hail it? Or did I fail it? Leave your comment below.

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I've Succumbed: PAL is Now on Pinterest (Horrors!)

No, the world hasn't ended.

No, I haven't traded my manly stubble for cupcake recipes and interior decorating tips. Or dropped my day job for daily puppy updates. But... Yes, it's true. Post-Apocalyptic Lawyer is now on Pinterest.

I've bowed to the irresistible gravitational pull that is the red and white "P" icon. And I'm loving it. So man up and join firm at http://pinterest.com/pstapclyptclwyr/.

(Hurry! Can't wait to trade MRE recipes and camo makeup tips...)

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Call of Duty Black Ops 2 and You: Could it Happen - Part 2

Welcome back to Call of Duty Black Ops 2 and You. Where we examine whether its arcane plot, in which anonymous hackers attack the US with our own robots, could actually happen - and if you need to be prepared for it.

Here's a refresher!

Last time we debunked the myth of military robot IQ. This time we'll examine why you need to worry less about the current generation of remote controlled robo-warriors and more about Terminator's Skynet. Because...

Reason 2: Robots don't arm robots, people do.

You might think that the Army, Air Force and Navy just leave robots lying around chock full of fuel and high explosives. (And, if you do, I might think that you have the mind of a twelve year old.) But they don't.

Just like guns, tanks and other awesome stuff, the armed forces keep their bots securely locked up sans armaments. So the odds of your average Predator strolling out to the flight line, taking off, flying 250 miles and bombing the crap out of downtown LA with Hellfire missiles on its own are pretty damn slim.

Even in combat zones, heavy equipment is not usually stored fully-armed and fueled, save for a few quick response units. Bring it home to the USA, and you're more likely to find a pre-schooler packing heat than a Predator.

So even if hackers did seize control, in a truth first recognized by The Simpsons years ago and best represented in the following nut-job conspiracy video, it takes support personnel (read, "people." -ed.) to pump the gas, maintain the motors, plug in the batteries, hang the bombs, arm the missiles and load the ammo.

It's a Simp-spiracy!

All of which adds up to an official "Call of Duty Black Ops 2 Plot-Line Threat Level: 0." You needn't fear a hacker-guided robo-mob showing up at your door unannounced any time soon. Instead, worry more about Terminator's hypothetical Skynet battle control system. It's autonomous. It thinks on its own. And, in theory, it actually has its electronic finger on the proverbial button. 

Sleep tight!

(Or enjoy these fine photos of people doing unspeakably mundane things to robots. You know, whatever...)

Mostly Harmless.

Somewhere in the Indian Ocean...

Wrench wenches.

If you could hear it, it'd sound like Kenny Loggins.

Next up? The final installment...

<< Part 1) Our robots just don't pack that much heat.


Image reference: Air Force

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Call of Duty Black Ops 2 and You: Could It Happen - Part 1

The new Call of Duty Black Ops 2 trailer is out, and there seems to be a wild rumpus on the internets about whether or not its plot, involving hacked military robots attacking the US, is too sci-fi be a realistic Call of Duty game.

Newsflash, Interwebs. It's a game. It's never been realistic. So, rather than besiege the message boards with pointless sniping, let's ask the bigger question:

Could this hacker-fueled apocalyptic vision actually happen - AND do you need to prepare your Clients in the event that it does.

While your average sensationalist Fox News anchor may say yes, I say no. Here's why...

Reason 1: Our robots just don't pack that much heat.

While I have yet to play the game (it hasn't been released), the official trailer seems to show massive gun-toting quadrapeds, high-speed fighter jets and MG-packing quad rotors shooting up greater Los Angeles. These simply don't exist in today's operational arsenal.

Most robotic weapons systems today are used in reconnaissance and assistance roles. That means taking pictures, exploring potentially dangerous locations and generally doing things you'd rather not - or can't - send a human to do.

Most are remote controlled or human assisted. And most don't pack a single shred of real offensive combat capability. The largest operational units by sheer numbers, the Foster-Miller TALON explosive ordnance disposal bot and the Packbot (made by iRobot, the company that brought you such terrifying devices as the Roomba!), are good examples. Cute. Slow. And nothing more than glorified remote control cars. Like your average video game, they do their jobs based on inputs from a human operator; sometimes using an actual xBox controller.

There are always exceptions to the rule, of course. The armed TALON "SWORDS" variant was deployed to Iraq. However, three SAW-equipped remote controlled mini-tanks that have yet to fire a shot in anger do not a statistically significant threat make.

The Predator and it's bigger, meaner brother, Reaper, on the other hand, are whole different winged beasts. Able to orbit undetected high above the battlefield, they pack a pretty nasty compliment of operator-activated laser guided bombs and Hellfire missiles. Thankfully, not in US airspace. Or in the numbers needed to decimate downtown LA. (So put your military surplus Stinger away, Suburban Rambo. No need to worry.)

That said, the story itself isn't that far fetched. Some of the predicted technologies are in development. Quad-rotor swarms. Walking robots. MAARS remote weapons platforms. Autonomous command systems. And the Army has made some noise about integrating more combat ready bots into the tip of the spear. So a few years away? Maybe. Today? Not a chance.

Or maybe we should start worrying...

Next up? Reason Number 2 Skynet is still scarier than Call of Duty Black Ops 2.


Image reference: US Army, Air Force

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Housekeeping: Tip Link Added

Got a hot tip for the Post-Apocalyptic Lawyer?

Special words of encouragement? Crude strings of epic curses? New gear worth looking at? I've added a handy tip link to the right of the nav bar just for you.

Simply click, type and send.

Or hit me up via Twitter or Facebook.

You know, whatevs...

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