REVIEW: HYDRO FLASK 12 OZ VACUUM INSULATED WATER BOTTLE

For over 100 years there's been only one name in the rugged, outdoorsy coffee storage market. And that name is Stanley.

So when I set off to find the perfect urban coffee conveyance - one with an ideal balance of heat control and professional backwoods cred - I naturally reached for the reassuring Stanley trademark green I grew up with. The very hallmark color that great grand dad trusted to keep his coffee hot and his manhood intact. (Most likely, while hunting ducks from the top of a half built skyscraper. -ed.)

Hark! An alternative approaches...

Unfortunately for me, the  old skoolers at Stanley don't offer said iconic green in a size compatible with the average single-serve coffee slinger found in today's modern offices.

The color in question.

Thus, I faced a puzzler the likes of which my great grand pappy would never have dreamed of. Re-usable water bottles are a mess of compromises. Tall ones don't fit in the Keurig. Aluminum single-wall bottles transmit hot java blisters that make the surface of the sun look appealing. And decorative mugs leave the kind of lasting impression you don't really want to last. Finally, after years of searching sporting goods shops far and wide, I discovered a worthy alternative: The 12 oz Hydro Flask vacuum insulated stainless steel water bottle.

What is this?

It's BPA free. It's fashioned from 18/8 food grade stainless steel. And its easy to chug/clean mouth is larger than your average water bottle. Plus, best of all, its compact stature sports a fancy green finish just close enough to Stanley's that your average lumberjack could mistake the two from a distance of 10 paces. Hence my fervent prayers for rugged appeal in a more convenient package were answered... and my EDC kit is now one Hydro Flask richer.

Why buys abound.

So how does Stanley feel about this color conundrum? It's safe to say, they're probably steamed.


Pros:

• Short enough to fit in some (but not all) office single serve coffee/water machines
• Thin container walls maximize internal coffee volume
• Doesn't burn your hand
• Keeps hot hot
• Keeps cold cold
• Looks awesome
• Feels awesome
• Puts the power of the vacuum in your hand
• Green Zen Matte finish looks damn near iconic Stanley green

Cons:

• Not made in the USA (Despite labeling that could be taken otherwise)
• Silly logo doesn't engender professional confidence/competence
• Green Zen Matte finish looks damn near iconic Stanley green

All in all, the littlest Hydro Flask is a suitable alternative to Stanley when it comes to lugging joe and looking good. (Even if grand dad wouldn't approve...)

Verdict: 9/10 Borderline copyright infringements

(Yes, that means we like it enough to recommend it.)

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BREAKING: 41 MINUTES AND THREE SECONDS OF PAULA BROADWELL LOOKING HOT

Multiple news reports are beginning to detail the sudden, unexpected and scandalous resignation of CIA Chief David Petraeus. Washington and the various cable news networks are all atwitter with rapid, vapid indignation. And, personally, I'm left wondering who seduced the (real) most powerful man in the world

Word is, Petraeus - a capable senior officer, co-author of the Army Counterinsurgency Field Manual 3-24 and orchestrator of the much-ballyhooed Iraq and Afghanistan "surge" - has apparently stepped down due to an extra-marital affair with his biographer; a certain Paula Broadwell. And based on pictures I've seen, it's no wonder he went "All In" with the author of All-In: The Education of General David Petraeus. (Read: Because she's a total hottie. -ed.)

As proof of my hotness hypothesis, I present to you: 41 minutes and three seconds of Paula Broadwell looking hot. She's also talking about something. I think. But... mostly just looking hot... for 41 minutes and three seconds.

She works out.

On one hand, I'm saddened by this changing of the guard. David Petraeus is a war hero, one of the finest leaders to serve our military in recent history and a capable master of the CIA dark arts. On the other hand, daayum! She's hot. Babe. Hottie. All of these things, combined.

No matter what buzz is bouncing around the Beltway, one thing's for sure, at least this former four-star has better taste than Bill Clinton.

Snap.

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CIVIC DUTY 2012: THE TOUGHEST CHOICE YOU'LL MAKE ALL ELECTION DAY...

Neat or on the rocks?

The bad news/good news is I now have to drink both.

(No matter who wins, It's a win-win.)

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POST-APOCALYPTIC STYLE: LAST-MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS

You only have days to go before the company Halloween party. It's too late to order a costume online. And if you don't pull off a killer look in front of the boss, you're screwed. What. Do. You. Do?

Yes, the countdown to Hallow's Eve zero hour has begun. Fortunately, from The Hunger Games and The Walking Dead to NBC's Revolution, the recent popularity of survivalist situations in pop culture pretty much ensures that post-apocalyptic costumes will be all the rage at the employee Halloween observance this year. Which is good news for you, because it makes costuming super easy. Just follow these simple tips to save your DIY day and score some last-minute, candy-coated props in the process.

STEP 1: Locate your nearest Army-Navy Surplus Store.

(Live in a forsaken wasteland or a liberal-leaning New England enclave? Your local purveyor or discount sporting goods will do, but only in a pinch.)

STEP 2: Buy these things:

Goggles.
Between the sandstorms, the noxious fumes, the blinding sun and all the other nasty wasteland surprises, I want to see goggles, people. Consider this a pre-requisite.

A gas mask.
From simple dust masks to full-face World War I contraptions, nothing scares or intrigues like a gas mask. For the money, you won't find a better price-to-effectiveness costume accessory anywhere.

A helmet.
As a functional design touch, a well-chosen helmet protects your skull, alters your silhouette and looks hella awesome.

A vietnam-era flak jacket, football pads, BMX gear or paintball armor.
Amp up the badassery and toss some protective gear in the mix. Just remember, A little body armor goes a long way. Use it sparingly as an accent, not a focal point. Overdo it and you'll go from badass to 70's glam band in no time flat. (Bonus point for well-placed spikes.)

Worn-out utility stuff. Leather belts, bags, ratty cotton cloth, whatever.
Survivors are always prepared. That means, whether you go with a simple utility belt or a full-on ALICE field pack, you're going to need both accessories and a place to stash 'em. The more distressed, the better. (Quadruple points for bandoleers.)

Weaponry.
Hardware is always a touchy subject. If you must carry, survival in the halloween circuit is earned at the barrel of a Nerf gun. Keep it light. Keep it fun. Keep it from getting you arrested. (I know, I know. Weaponry is fun! It's cool! Just keep in mind, the more props you have to carry, the less hands you have for drinking. 'nuff said.)

Try an eyepatch.

Dashing, sexy and mysterious. Eyepatches are all three.

STEP 3: Don't forget to...

Aim for neutrals and earth tones.
You know why they called the British "Red Coats?" They wore bright red coats. An eye-catching affliction that made them tasty targets for well-camouflaged Colonials. And we all know how that turned out for the Brits. Same goes for the Wasteland. Match your surroundings. If you must toss in a dash of color, keep it muted. Peacocking gets you dead. Or, at the very least, makes you the company Hallow-douche; doomed to an evening of creeping the punch bowl alone.

Customize. Customize. Customize.
Own it by making it your own. Spray-painted stencils, hand-stitched patches and comedic accessories add personality and start conversations. Try it.

And above all, Keep it sexy.
Ladies, you know what we're talking about. No longer the kiddie holiday of old, Halloween is now an adult bacchanalia of debauchery, so dress appropriately. Cutoff shorts. Torn fishnets or tights. Midriff bearing shirts. High-heel boots. Hell, even a well-cut bikini. If you got it, flaunt it conspicuously. (I won't hold it against you.)

STEP 4: Kick it with a tasty groove. Your bosses won't know what - or who - hit on 'em.

How'd we do? We we nail it, or did we fail it? Post your favorite Post-Apocalyptic Costume tips below, biznitches.


Image reference: 1) Warvan on flickr.com. Used under Creative Commons.

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THIS IS A THING: THE HUNGER GAMES HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

Merchandising is best when milked.

Yes, post-apocalyptic costumes are all the rage this Halloween, thanks in part to big ticket pop-culture properties like the Hunger Games Franchise. After raking in massive book and ticket sales, it was inevitable that the Halloween costumes would follow. And, oh boy, they have. Let's explore, shall we?

First, there's The Hunger Games District 12 Training Shirt. Sure, I'll buy that.




Then there's the Hunger Games Mockingjay Pin. Ok. Makes sense.




And The Hunger Games Jacket costume. I suppose I'm still picking up what you're putting down...




I'll even go so far as to accept The Hunger Games Katniss Dog Tags. (Cute. -ed.)




But official The Hunger Games District 12 socks?!




The actual apocalypse can't come fast enough.

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BREAKING: GOVERNMENT KILLS HAUNTED LIGHTHOUSE AUCTION

In the waning months of Summer, 2012, the United States General Services Administration placed the Penfield Reef Lighthouse up for auction. Just a few scant months later, mere days before Halloween, they abruptly cancelled it. But why? 

Probably because it's haunted. Guarding Penfield Reef on the south side of the Black Rock Harbor entrance to Long Island Sound since 1874, rumor and Wikipedia have it that the station is a potent host to a plethora of paranormal abnormalities. (So you'll probably want to ride out the inevitable zombie apocalypse elsewhere. -ed.)

Spoooky.

Reports of strange events began after the death of Lighthouse Keeper Frederick A. Jordan on December 22nd, 1916. Lost in rough seas in a failed attempt to row to shore for Christmas celebrations, his ghostly visage was first reported just two weeks later by Assistant Keeper Rudolph Iten. Later keepers experienced the apparition and its ill-effects on the light, as well, even going so far as to sign affidavits describing the encounters.

Yikes.

The tales came to a head in 1942, when two boys reported that the ghost saved them from drowning. After the Coast Guard automated the  station in 1971, the stories slowed to a trickle. And now, after years attempting to force the sale of the Penfield light, the GSA is pulling the auction prematurely. But why?

Site of the encounter.

Now, I'm no ghost hunter, but the station was one of the last masonry lights ever built in the United States. Shortly thereafter, offshore installations transitioned to cast iron towers. Based on the knowledge I've gained via 16 viewings of Ghost Busters 2 and an episode of Food Network's Halloween Wars, I posit that the soft stone construction may be absorbing the ghostly energy, perpetuating the haunting effect. Ergo, good ol' Fred is conspiring to keep the light in its decrepit state, so that he may mourn his ghostly life alone. (Right... that's toootally it. -ed.)

Extra scary story.

Now, before we get ahead of ourselves with this whole "haunted hypothesis thing," they say the bidding has been cancelled due to governmental "discussions" over the submerged lands lease. Verbatim:

Auction Sale-Lot # BOSTN112005001 has been cancelled due to renewed discussions with the State of Connecticut regarding the required submerged lands lease.  Penfield Reef Lighthouse will be reoffered in the Spring of 2013 with a new Sale-Lot #.  GSA will post a new Invitation for Bids at that time.

But we all know (probably) that it's been cancelled due to haunting (totally). There is definitely (kinda) some serious Scooby Doo level stuff going on here. (Or not...) Long story short, if you want to own this haunted lighthouse you'll have to wait till Spring.

No one can hear you scream.

Penfield Reef Light Station

41° 07' 02" N, 73° 13' 22" W

Sale-Lot Number: BOSTN112005001

For more images, visit the GSA Shutterfly account for the Auction.

Haunted lighthouse for sale. Not.

Image Reference: GSA

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GRATUITOUS FANDOM: BEST DETROIT TIGERS SONG EVER

Filed under: Stuck in my damn head and I like it.

There are Detroit Tigers ballads, and there Detroit Tigers ballads. This track by former-Detroiter-rocker-and-bon-vivant-playboy Kelley Stoltz, in which he actually name-checks the entire '84 Tigers individually, beats the hell out of anything you'll hear on TBS.

#VerlandersPitching #NotWatchingTheDebate

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THIS IS A THING: FINE PRINT EDITION

Filed under: Duh.

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